


Not A Distraction

by Piper_Emerald



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Galaxy Gals, Murphy siblings, TW: Suicide attempt reference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 07:37:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11308761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piper_Emerald/pseuds/Piper_Emerald
Summary: No matter how much she did care, no matter how this did terrify her, no matter how much she had tried to forgive, the hurt was imbedded into every second she thought of Connor.Now Zoe understood what she was feeling. She felt selfish and pathetic.She was all set to wallow in this when her cell phone buzzed. She must have forgotten to turn it on do not disturb after her mother hung up. She was about to do exactly that, but hesitated when she read the text message.Is it weird to walk to Starbuck at 10 at night?Only Alana would text her this late, or be that random.





	Not A Distraction

Zoe was sitting on the floor of her room. This was what she usually did when the world was crashing around her. 

At first this was because she used to push her bed in front of her door when Connor went ballistic. Her door locked, but he’d hit it so hard, for a while she’d believed he was actually going to knock it down. She stopped doing this after the third time. He didn’t want to get in. He just wanted to scream at someone he knew wasn’t going to respond. 

Still, her bed was too close the the door, and she was above hiding in the closet. So, when Connor started up, she’d put headphones on and sit until her father realized what was happening. 

Connor hadn’t lived in the house for months, but it was easier to follow the habit when thing

Her mother had called from the airport. She’d told her everything too fast. It made it surreal, but Zoe knew that she didn’t have time to worry about how she was going to take it. 

“Everything is fine, but he tried again and the hospital needs your father and I to get there as soon as we can.”

There were so many things wrong with that statement. How could everything be fine if he’d tried again? Why did it sound like the hospital was dictating how they were supposed to react to their son still wanting to die? And why weren’t they bringing her with them?

She wasn’t sure what the appropriate reaction was this time. She had expected a hollow sensation to fill her gut, making her feel completely numb for a moment only to swallow her in a whirlpool of anguish. That was how she had felt the night she collapsed on the cream colored hospital floor, burying her face in her hands in the hopes that the blackness would push the red and white images out of her mind. 

It never did, but she had since learned to stomach the memory of deep slashes adorning her brother’s pail wrist.

Her parents had been with her then. Her father had forcefully dragged her out of that room. Were it not for that, Zoe knew she never would have left.

Right now her stomach wasn’t trying to consume her. It just didn’t feel right. It was like when she’d got drunk for the first and only time, and hadn’t been used to the vibrating warmth. 

So what now? How would a normal person react to this? She guessed she was supposed to feel guilty. That’s what it had been like the first time. But right now was different. Regretful was a better word. But the regrets weren’t new. They were the same ones that always lingered in the back corridors of the empty manor that was her mind. 

She wished she had responded to the letters he sent her went he first left, or answered the calls from the hospital’s pay phone. She wished she had said everything before watching the plane fly away. She wished that she hadn’t convinced herself that he didn’t want to hear anymore.

Maybe what was numbing her was the knowledge that none of these changes would make the slightest difference. Even if they had let each other in instead of facing off on different sides of a battle field where no one was ever the victor, Connor still would have hurt himself. 

Because that was what Connor did. It’s what he always did, no matter how hard he tried not to.

Even if Zoe was perfect and he had actually listened to her, he still would have tried to end it all, and he still would have ended up in a hospital three states away. The counseling still wouldn’t have worked, and he still would have realized what a fucking disaster the world is. 

And they still would have found him in the bathroom.

_He’s going to be fine, he just needs time._

Zoe’s mother wanted her to call him. She could tell by the tone of her voice before she hung up to get on the plane. She probably didn’t realize that minuscule about of good it would do. She’d never been the best and telling what was good for Connor.

Or maybe she knew it wouldn’t help him and thought it was Zoe who needed it. Maybe she realized that at some point Zoe was going to wonder what it would be like if they hadn’t found Connor. How would Zoe feel if Connor was dead and he died thinking his sister couldn’t bother to talk to him.

But she didn’t want to think that. This wasn’t about her and she wasn’t going to make it an excuse to feel sorry for herself. It didn’t help that she had no idea what to say. 

“Hey, Connor. Sorry for not talking to you made me think you didn’t give a shit about me, but I just wanted to let you know I’m here for you.”

No matter how much she did care, no matter how this did terrify her, no matter how much she had tried to forgive, the hurt was imbedded into every second she thought of Connor. 

Now Zoe understood what she was feeling. She felt selfish and pathetic.

She was all set to wallow in this when her cell phone buzzed. She must have forgotten to turn it on do not disturb after her mother hung up. She was about to do exactly that, but hesitated when she read the text message.

_Is it weird to walk to Starbuck at 10 at night?_

Only Alana would text her this late, or be that random.

_I’d make my own coffee, but the machine’s still broken from that time I let Jared and Evan use it_

_Do you think Starbucks Girl would judge me?_

The vibration in Zoe’s gut was lighter now. “Starbucks Girl” was the name Zoe and Alana had given the cute barista who worked at the Starbucks the two liked to go to after school. That had probably been their first boding moment, since they were only spending time together because Alana had to interview Zoe for an article about jazz band she was writing for their school’s paper. But Alana had deemed checking out the same girl as someone who is also kinda in the closet and then realizing what you both were doing at exactly the same time as grounds for friendship. 

Zoe hadn’t minded, since it was nice to talk to someone who knew about what her family had gone through but didn’t bring it up. She was sick of people knowing her as the sister of the kid who tried to off himself. Plus, it was nice to talk about girls with someone. At least, it was nice up until Zoe started to realize that it wasn’t the cute barista she had a crush on.

But she tried not to think about that. She had too much going on to think about that. 

Zoe brought herself back to the floor of her room. Her mind went back to her parents on an airplane to see their sick son. How insensitive did getting distracted by a girl make her?

_Are they even open now?_ She replied to Alana.

_You’re awake! Thank God!_

Despite never using text slang, Alana was a fast typer. Alana was quick at almost everything, it was like she operated on a different frequency.

Zoe thought about putting down the phone. She should be thinking, morning whatever there was left to morn. She wondered if her mother expected her to be crying. That’s what she was probably doing right now, while her husband sat stone faced next to her. Zoe had witnessed this too many a time. 

She wondered if Connor expected her to cry. She wondered if Connor thought about her at all. Maybe he left a note this time. Maybe he mentioned her in it. Or maybe he expected to flicker out unnoticed, because when had she ever given him a sign that she’d be sitting on her bedroom floor trying to get inside his head. 

She didn’t put the phone down.

_Y do u need coffee? U should be sleeping_

She usually didn’t used text slang either, but Alana had made a comment about it when they first started texting and Zoe continued as a joke. The humor had probably run it’s corse, but by now it was force of habit. 

_I know, but I need to finish writing this paper, and my brain won’t work_

Alana never rested, but she was never really tired either. Even now, Zoe was fairly certain she was just reaching for an excuse to do something. She wasn’t good at sitting still. 

_Eh, people probably go there later than this,_ Zoe decided to tell her.

_Zoe Murphy you have made up my mind!_

And there was that enthusiasm. Zoe didn’t really understand it, but she liked to watch it. 

_U dn’t sound like u need any more caffeine_

_Shhh,_ Alana responded instantly. _It’s a good idea, trust me_

_Right_

Zoe thought about turing her phone off now and going to bed. Sleep sounded nice, but it also seemed like the prefect way to focus to the numbness. Maybe that was what she should be doing. 

_Can I meet u there?_

_You should be asleep_

Alana was right.

_That’s hypocritical_

_I know._ There was a pause before Alana added: _Ten minutes?_

Zoe jumped off the floor. 

_Gotcha_

Zoe hated driving at night, and she hated driving when there was something on her mind. The combination felt like an accident waiting to happen. So she cranked her radio up, and tried to force her mind to only register the road and the lyrics to whatever cheesy top forty song came on.

Alana met her outside, and informed her that she’d only beaten her by a few minutes. They went in together. Zoe didn’t need caffeine on top of her unease, so she just ordered a hot chocolate. Alana babbled some complicated sugary drink that’s name Zoe didn’t try to follow.

They decided to go outside, since no one else was in the cafe, and they’d feel like any conversation they tried to have would be overheard by the poor barista who had to work a 10pm.

It happened without her meaning it to. One second Alana was babbling about why people shouldn’t make fun of “white girl coffee” because it’s basically a caffeinated milkshake and everyone loves milkshakes, then the next second Zoe was cutting her off. With her lips.

It wasn’t how Zoe had imagined their first kiss would be. It was too sudden to be slow, but once Alana realized what was happening, she didn’t pull back. That made something inside Zoe soar. She didn’t realize she was capable of flying tonight. 

“What’s wrong?” Alana asked when she finally broke the kiss. 

“That’s not the reaction I was looking for,” Zoe tried to joke. 

“Zoe,” she started.

“More like, wow you’re a good kisser, or why does your mouth taste like cinnamon,” she was close to babbling. 

“I’ve stolen mints from you before,” Alana reminded her. 

“Oh yeah.”

“What’s wrong?” she asked again.

“So, that’s your way of saying no without actually rejecting me right?” Zoe assumed.

Alana answered that by pressing their lips together again. Zoe fell into her. Earlier she’d wanted to not feel anything, but this had the opposite effect. Alana’s lips were soft, and her arms were warm, and she felt so alive and unbroken. 

“Okay, wow,” she stumbled backward.

“I’m not saying no,” Alana made clear. “I am saying, that people don’t usually cry when they try to kiss someone.”

“I’m crying,” Zoe hadn’t realized. 

“You wanna go to my car?” Alana offered gently. 

“Is that an invitation to talk or make out?” Zoe was only half teasing. 

“Maybe both,” Alana shrugged, taking her hand. “Come on.”

They didn’t talk until Zoe was sitting in the passenger’s seat and Alana in the driver’s. There weren’t that many other cars in the parking lot. Zoe wanted it to feel intimate, but the giddiness had warn off. In her mind, she was back on her bedroom floor.

“My brother tried to kill himself again,” she heard her voice say.

“I’m so sorry,” Alana took her hand. 

“I am too,” Zoe said numbly.

“Are you going to go see him?” Alana asked. 

Zoe didn’t voice that her parents didn’t take her with them. She wasn’t going to blame them. They probably had some reasoning that they weren’t telling her. They were probably trying to protect her for reacting like she did the last time. They didn’t know she’s closed herself off from him. She’d never told them.

“I don’t know,” she said out loud. “I don’t know how to.”

“He probably wants to see you,” Alana voiced. 

“He never does.” The words came out darker than they were supposed to. 

“It might be different,” Alana tried. 

“What am I supposed to say?” Zoe was asking herself more than the girl sitting next to her. “I don’t call him, I don’t write to him. He thinks I want him dead.”

“He doesn’t,” Alana whispered.

“You don’t know that,” Zoe didn’t either. That was what scared her. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t dump this on you.”

Alana squeezed her hand. Zoe felt less alone when Alana was holding her hand.

“You said he wrote to you,” Alana remembered. 

“And I didn’t write back,” Zoe hadn’t told Alana that part. 

“That means he wants to contact you,” Alana pointed out.

“And I didn’t respond,” Zoe stressed. “What was I supposed to say? We didn’t talk before he tried the first time.”

“Go see him,” Alana instructed.

“It’s a plane ride away,” Zoe reminded her.

“Or a very long car ride.” It took a second for the meaning of this to sink in.

“You’re not suggesting,” Zoe said slowly. 

“I am,” Alana smiled. 

“Alana, I can’t,” Zoe uttered. 

“Why?” she asked. 

There were so many ways she could answer this. She could argue that they had school the next day and neither of them were the type to skip. She could say that her parents would get mad if she just showed up. Or she could tell the truth. 

“What if he hates me?” her voice was so small. 

“Is not checking on him going to change that?” Alana asked evenly. 

She knew Zoe wasn’t going to answer. She sat there as Zoe thought about it. Zoe wondered what she’d done to deserve having someone as wonderful Alana Beck in her life. 

“Can I kiss you again?” she couldn’t help asking. 

“Yes,” Alana smiled again. 

Zoe let the world wash out of a moment. That was all the she needed—just one moment of not carrying the weight, one moment of there only being Alana. Then she’d pick everything back up. Then she’d try to find her way out of the battle field, because it took too long to realize that her brother laid his armor down a long time ago.

“So,” she wasn’t sure how to go about this. “We’re going to drive to his hospital?” 

“You bet,” Alana nodded.

“You’re crazy,” Zoe let her know.

“I liked you more than that barista,” Alana stated. 

“Good,” Zoe smiled. “I like you a lot more.”

“I’ll drive first,” Alana decided. “Maybe give your parents a heads up.”

“Yeah, I will.” Zoe knew they were going to freak out, but she couldn’t bring herself to care right now. “Thanks.”

Alana paused before starting the car. 

“I wasn’t just a distraction, right?” She looked at her with an open expression. 

“Never,” Zoe said seriously.

“Good.”

They started the drive to whatever was ahead. Zoe knew it would hurt, there was no way for it not to. But Alana was right. She couldn’t change anything by doing nothing.


End file.
